The sun broke through the blinds and made its way into Sloane’s deep sleep. She stirred a bit before fully waking up to Malcolm’s slight snoring. At some point during the night, he’d cocooned her like he did whenever she stayed the night with him. Even though his body heat brought an extra 7,000 degrees, she couldn’t think of a better way to wake up.
Sloane glanced over at the clock and saw that it was nearly 9am. Although she worked from home, she still stuck to a pretty strict schedule on the days she stayed over at Malcolm’s. He worked late last night so she knew he would sleep in awhile longer. She turned over and couldn’t help but admire how peaceful he looked with that sliver of sunlight cascading over his roasted almond colored chin and chest. He’d shaved his beard, but it was already growing back in with a few salt and pepper strands. Malcolm just turned 36 last month and he hated the gray that lightly speckled his beard. When he shaved his beard off a couple of nights ago, Sloan stood in the doorway of his bathroom and told him, “You do know that every time a man shaves his beard, an angel loses its wings.” Malcolm rolled his eyes and put her out of the bathroom.
Sloan propped her head up on her elbow and drank in Malcolm’s chiseled face. She was always envious of his luscious eyelashes that seemed to kiss the tops of his cheeks while he slept. She couldn’t help herself. Leaning over to place one kiss on the bridge of his nose and the other on his forehead, Sloane whispered the same prayer she prayed for this man each morning without his knowledge. She prayed for his peace, his finances, his family, and his protection. When she reached her “Amen,” she stroked his bald head and said, “I love you, Malcolm.” As if responding, Malcolm grunted and shifted to his back.
They’d been dating for nearly two years, and things were going really well. Malcolm’s adventurous demeanor matched Sloane’s, which was rare in her past. The guys she dated before somehow ended up needing her to take care of them emotionally. She didn’t get a chance to just be herself, until she met Malcolm. He accepted all of her and encouraged her to consistently be the woman he initially fell in love with. She wasn’t afraid to take risks, and it was dope that she’d been found by someone who could find the risks worth taking.
Sloane slid out of bed to get the coffee going. Then she went back to the bedroom to grab a tampon out of her bag. She used a liner last night since her period was supposed to start yesterday, so she knew she’d be in go mode by this morning. Her period was like clockwork.
But when she made it to the bathroom, there was no action. “Hmm. That’s different,” Sloane murmured. She didn’t think anything else of it, cleaned herself up and went to set up her laptop with a nice hot cup of coffee and avocado toast to get her work day started.
Around lunch time, Malcolm padded into his home office in a pair of basketball shorts that hung deliciously off his hips. He leaned in to kiss Sloane then bit a hefty bite of the banana she’d just peeled for herself.
“Good morning babe. Would you like a bite of banana?” Sloane asked him sarcastically. Malcolm laughed and replied, “Oh, you weren’t holding that for me?” They both laughed.
“Rested, Mal?”
“Meh.” Malcolm replied. “My body is tight. I’m about to go for a quick run. I plan to pick up lunch at the sandwich shop across the street. Text me what you want so you can eat. You need to take something now to get ahead of those cramps today.”
“Oh good idea! Ok, texting you now.”
A couple of hours later, Malcolm come home carrying lunch. He was sweaty and sexy and carrying food – just the way Sloan liked to see him. She shut down her laptop and went to have lunch on the couch with him. He had everything already laid out including her favorite Pittsburg Steelers blanket and was scrolling through the shows on his DVR. Good thing she finished the project she was working on because a shower and sleep was on the horizon!
***
Almost four weeks had passed and Sloan was nervously standing in the Family Planning aisle of the convenience store up the street from her house. She had a doctors appointment later that day but the suspense was killing her. Her period was nearly a month late and she was a nervous wreck at this point. There was no denying that something was definitely going on and she needed to rule out the obvious first. She grabbed a box with two tests, completed her purchase and hurried back home.
Twenty minutes later, Sloan sat in her empty bathtub in disbelief. Her heart was racing as she sat there with her arms wrapped around her knees as if protecting herself from the truth she’d just learned. There – as if in bright neon lights – sat two positive pregnancy tests glaring back at her from the side of the bathtub.
The sudden fatigue, tender breasts, and unexplained nausea all made sense. She’d noticed the changes a couple of weeks ago, but between traveling for work and helping her sister plan her wedding, she just assumed the stress had her body out of whack.
Her rapid thoughts ranged from how Malcolm always talked about the goals he wanted to accomplish before he had kids, to the fact that Sloan never wanted kids and her mind was ablaze with scenarios. Everything was about to change and she was so afraid of what this meant for her and Malcolm.
Her cell phone alarm notified her that it was time for her to get ready for her doctors appointment. She didn’t even realize she had been sitting in the tub for over an hour in a trance. Sloan said aloud, “Maybe these tests were a false positive. That happens more often than we know! Yea!” Feeling a little more confident, she wiped her tear stained cheeks and dragged herself out of the tub. She was a little dizzy when she stood up and said, “So, it begins.”
Dr. Lucas confirmed her fate. She was almost five weeks pregnant. Her doctor rambled off several details and next steps and it all echoed around Sloan. The pregnancy confirmation and all of the new information, paired with the most recent wave of nausea was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Overwhelmed with everything all at once, Sloan leaned over, dropped her head in her hands and sobbed.
“I’ll give you some time,” Dr. Lucas whispered and excused herself from the room. The nurse remained in the room and turned the sound down on the television that projected the black and white sac with a flicker of movement replaying. The nurse walked over and stood beside her, holding a cup of water and rubbing her back. “Oh, Sloan. I am so sorry you’re feeling this way right now,” the nurse told her and pulled her into an embrace. It was genuine and needed and made Sloan cry even harder.
***
“Sloane? What did you do? Why would you do this?” Malcolm said just above a whisper as he stood in Sloane’s bedroom doorway.
Shocked and perplexed, Sloan lifted her head from her tear soaked pillow and couldn’t meet Malcolm’s eyes. She could hear the palpable hurt in his voice.
“What did I do to make you lie to me like this? Sloane, why would you push me out and make our decision alone? What in the hell?” Malcolm squeezed out these words through tears.
” I thought -” Sloan started.
“You thought what?” Malcolm threw his hands above his head in frustration. “I talk to you about everything! I’ve cried to you about shit I’m dealing with and I don’t keep anything from you! But this? Sloane who in the hell are you right now? My kid? Our kid? Why? Baby, why? This shit hurts!”
By now, Sloane was sobbing.
“I realized your period didn’t come and I’ve been waiting on you tell me the news. Then today when I kept calling and you didn’t answer, I called your sister. She said you were in bed and not feeling well. Sloan you always come to my house when you’re sick. ALWAYS! I knew something was up.” Malcolm had the literature from the abortion clinic in his hands and was shaking it in Sloan’s direction. He slumped down into the chair next to Sloan’s bed – deflated. “How can you live with this decision?”
“Malcolm, I’m trying to be remorseful without being ashamed of myself,” Sloane yelled through sobs.
“Sloane, your tears don’t mean shit to me. I could’ve been there. I could’ve supported you. I could’ve… could’ve done anything because this was MY child too. You didn’t have to lie to me. You’ve never had to lie to me.” Malcolm was up pacing the floor.
“Malcolm! Please let me explain. I felt like I was making the right decision for us. We’ve talked about this. Neither of us wants children, right?” Sloan wailed.
“The hell? Sloan you don’t want kids. I do. You know that! We’ve talked about if it never happens, I’m fine, but if it did happen, we would figure it out! WE would figure it out! What happened to the WE? US? You just went and made this selfish ass decision on your own! If you would lie to me about a life changing decision like this, what else would you lie to me about?!” Malcolm spat out the last sentence.
As if realizing what he’d just said, his eyes widened. “I have no idea what you are truly capable of doing anymore.” Malcolm’s voice fell flat. Sloan watched compassion drain from his eyes in that moment and it made her stomach drop.
“Malcolm. You came over for an explanation. Please. Let me explain my thought and decision process.”
Malcolm waved his hand in Sloan’s direction and walked to the window. He kept his back to her.
“Malcolm,” Sloan started as she shifted to sit up in the bed, “I promise you I did not do any of this to hurt you. I was scared. Scared of losing you, scared of losing us, scared of bringing a baby into this world knowing its parents weren’t ready, scared of becoming a mom before we’re ready. You always talk about all of these things you dream of doing before you settle down and start a family. Just a few weeks ago you talked about how there was no way you could start a family until you had a certain amount in the bank and that promotion in your back pocket. Malcolm, I want that for you too. I want you to achieve every goal so you can be the father you dream of becoming.”
Sloan was finally sitting up in the bed holding a heating pad to her stomach. “Malcolm. Because of where we are, I felt like we needed more time.”
“Sloan, I was calling you this morning to let you know I got the promotion. Not only that, I’m in my mid-thirties, you’re in your early thirties. How much more time do we need? How much more time do you think you’ll have?!” Malcolm yelled.
“What did you just say to me?” Sloan growled. “How much time do I think I’ll have? All this damn pressure I put on myself for us and your response is to throw my biological clock in my face? You haven’t even asked me how I’m doing -“
Cutting Sloan off, Malcolm held up his hand. “That’s because you never wanted me to know how you were doing, and since you want to do this alone, I’ll let you.”
Malcolm got up and walked out of her room without looking back.
Devastated, Sloan curled herself into the fetus position and cried. Hard. She felt like all she’d done the last two weeks was cry. Her sister came into the room and climbed in bed with her.
“He’s – He’s gone! He left me!” Sloan let out between sobs. Sloan’s sister, Simone, stroked her hair and whispered to her, “Momma always told us, ‘Never forget how they gave you distance when you needed love.’ You’ll get through this, Sissy. I promise.”
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