Brown Sugar’s Apology…

Dear heart,

Forgive me for what

I’ve put you through.

And thank you, for being

stronger than I thought.

-Suhaib Rumi

What About Brown Sugar?

The last time Kip was in the hospital, I got to him after work and immediately starting fussing over him. Changing sheets, washing him up, feeding him, and getting him situated and comfortable. The only thing the nurse needed to do when she made her rounds was check his vitals (which I was already watching), and administer his meds (which I could have also done had I had access to it). He was sitting in the bed with the cutest smirk on his face. I’m not sure how long he was starring at me, but I was in a zone. When I finally looked up at him, I smiled back and asked, “what?” He whispered back, “I love you.”

Then I told him, now that I’ve given you everything you need, you haven’t given me what I need. He had this strong look of disgust on his face, and asked, “What can I possibly do for you?”

“You haven’t held me today.”

His countenance shifted. His guard dropped. Even in his weakest state, I still needed him. He still made me feel safe and protected and guarded and loved. He truly was a dream come true. He slowly wrapped his arms around me, I tucked my nose into the crook of his neck, inhaled all of him, and released every ounce of stress in my body.

I haven’t felt as helpless as I did that day like I have this week. I need Kip’s arms around me. When I’m done fussing over my folks (making sure they’re good, they have everything they need, and possessing the capabilities of giving them the things I can’t access right now)…

Who holds me? Who reassures me? Who can not think about themselves, if even for just a moment, and say, “I got you?”

What makes this so complex is in the long line of people who would love to wrap me up in the world’s sweetest bear hug so my body can release those “feel good” hormones, I don’t want them. Their arms don’t wrap right. The crook of their necks don’t carry your aroma. Their energy doesn’t quite vibe with mine the way yours did. I want you.

Who can make me feel safe enough to release every ounce of stress in my body, without fear of how they’ll use my vulnerabilities as a weapon in their quiver?

Brown Sugar Will Love Again…

Love is so many things, and comes in so many forms. It is certainly unfortunate how we allow heartbreak to dictate when and how we receive love. Our focus should be to receive it, and when loved properly, we know how to give it. Imagine how passionate one must be to have the wisdom to operate off of a full love tank?

Love is so many things. Love is:

-patient
-kind
-it does not boast, it is not proud
-thoughtful enough to leave post its around the room for you to find when you least expect it
-impulsive enough to stop the car in the middle of Church Rd after leaving a concert to tell you, “life is short. I need you to know that I love you, I’m in love with you, and I will make you my wife.”
-attentive enough to hear you say you aspire to live life freely like a butterfly, looks you square in the eye, asks you to be their butterfly, and hands you the most beautiful pair of butterfly earrings as a symbol, and a pair of ruby earrings just because
-knowingly sending you the videos you’d never post, but will bust your gut laughing
-getting you flowers each week because fresh flowers make you smile, but keeping them alive makes you happy
-seeing workout gear and saying you need this to workout at home
-not dishonoring others
-not self-seeking
-not easily angered
-not keeping records of wrongs
-texting you the day of a big presentation to remind you you’ve got it
-looking you in your face while you’re arguing with a relative, and saying, “Your folks are crazy as hell” because you needed the smile
-bringing you a chili cheese dog in the middle of the day because life gets intense sometimes
-looking you in the eyes and saying, I want you to know I heard you yesterday. I didn’t agree with it all, but I needed to hear it. Thank you.”
-boldly grabbing you by the hand to pull you from working on your laptop to dance
-handling the maintenance on your car because you simply hate it
-filling your tank up each Sunday
-being understanding when you have to cancel plans
-getting you a Pandora charm bracelet so your kids have obvious gifts to get you

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…

If we can remember what love truly is, we won’t let loving the wrong person give love a bad rep. What do you ask yourself when the person of your dreams is in fact a nightmare? “What shall we build on the ashes of a nightmare?” You let go of the hurt, and tuck away the lesson. Love comes in completeness, and when the love you receive from a certain person is complete, that’s the lesson. Authentic love holds a mirror to your face so you can truly see who you are, your potential, your worth. That’s the gold star on the journey to enlightenment. If we focus on the cardinal truth that love never fails (people do, but love does not), some of the things of this world make a little more sense. Others, not so much.

–

Brown Sugar Has a Moment…

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I can’t remember what happened, but I either did or said something for Kip to say, “You need to Watch Eat, Pray, Love. It’s one of my favorite movies, and it makes me think of you.” So, one night we laid in bed and watched its artistry unfold on the screen. How Julia Roberts’ character chose solitude to reconnect with her passion and purpose was jolting. Sometimes, it takes us being tired of our own bullshit to listen to our hearts. There is such a thin line between self-reflection and escapism. Tonight, my soul mate sent me a reminder to be aware and to identify the difference. No matter how painful it is to not have him here with me, I’m honored to know he’s guiding and protecting me. Be good to yourselves.