Brown Sugar Remembers

It took me nearly a week to gather the mental strength to type this blog.

This past Monday was the three year anniversary of losing my love and friend. Monday was hard, too. I cried and screamed and wallowed. I placed blame and felt victimized because of my still unanswered questions. I slipped back into that dark unsure place and repeated the phrase I’d always tell Uzell, “God didn’t give me the gift of you just to take you away! We’ll get through this. You got this, and I got you!” Monday was hard.

I dreamed about him Monday morning. I dreamed his friends made all of the funeral arrangements, and it was a train wreck! Kip was in a casket and his boys were making such a big fuss about everything. It was so bad I remember some of us laughing throughout the service.

At some point, I ended up resting my head on his chest and I said, “I miss you so much.” Kip opened his eyes, they were beyond bloodshot, turned his head to the right and mouthed, “I miss you, too.” Then he turned his head back and closed his eyes. I looked at one of his best friends and asked, “Did you see that?” He just nodded his head.

That dream made me smile when I woke up, but it also made me ache throughout the day. Grief is ugly, unfair, and unending.

Brown Sugar Goes Topsy Turvy!

The last week of February was an emotional rollercoaster!

Monday:
I had a work professional development at the school across the street from where my dad is buried. It was the only thing I could think of that morning, and I wanted to honor him. I had every intention to visit his grave and put flowers there, then I left the house and it was raining. I couldn’t bring myself to go, and the rain was actually the excuse I needed. I never made it to his gravesite that day, and that was okay, right?

Tuesday:
The Women’s Foundation of a Greater Memphis partnered with Kroger to create a high school to college pipeline for 5 of my students this year! I had to be on the campus of Lemoyne-Owen College for this event, and because the campus is so close to my school, I left 15 minutes before the event started. I was told to come to The Little Theatre. I thought, “that sounds familiar.” As soon as I made it to campus, I realized where I was going. The Little Theatre is where Kip’s memorial service was held. The entire time I simply focused on not throwing up…

Wednesday:
My school district hosted our annual State of the District Address. It was invite only and little ole me got an invite because I was with someone on program. My daughter introduced the School Board Chair! I was overwhelmed with pride! My daughter did an amazing job and I was honored just to be in the room to witness her do her thing!

Thursday:
I crashed. The extreme lows and highs left me feeling lethargic. I had a session with my therapist and she helped me understand what I was feeling and why. I experienced all of these emotions without time to process what I was feeling. A new practice for me to implement is taking inventory of each day to try to process my emotions earlier. That crash felt mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual.