Brown Sugar’s Single Momdom

In this journey of motherhood, I can honestly say that when I got married, I never saw myself being divorced. I spent nearly twenty years of my life with my ex husband, and now, I’m learning how to be a single Black mother all over again. Being single is the most liberating experience of my life! My 30s came with self reflection, growth, and maturity especially when I realized my two little ones depend on me for 98% of their development.

Here’s what I don’t understand. I work full time, and my career is pretty demanding. From 7:45 am – 4:30 pm, I’m solely responsible for making decisions for over 600 people (to whom much is given…). That did something to me to put that last statement in writing. Made me realize some stuff. As soon as I leave work, I get my two children, who are in grade school and middle school. Well, as a single parent, I’m responsible for listening to their day, checking homework, feeding them, getting active with them, doing a devotional with them, getting them ready for bed, and once they are in bed, I have to get clothes ready for school tomorrow, pack lunches, check folders and backpacks.

It would absolutely be easy if I could come home and rest on the couch, watch a good tv show, and nap to recover from the day. However, being a parent means I’m responsible for  preparing them to become productive citizens in a rapidly shifting society. In order to be effective in doing so, parenting requires sacrifice. Now, I understand that my ex won’t do things they way I will, nor will I always like the way he does things (part of the reason why we’re divorced), but when he actually does get something done, I have to just let it be. What is it about my ex that has handicapped him in such a way that he doesn’t have the ability to think critically?  He normally has the kids anywhere between 24-35 hours a week. There are no sacrifices because he doesn’t attend any of the kid’s events, school programs, games, or performances. I can only hope he cares enough to come see them be baptized this coming Sunday. There have been days when I didn’t eat lunch because during my lunch I was sitting at my children’s honors program, or I had to make up time on the back end because I was sitting at the doctor’s office all morning with one of my children. Men know what it takes to raise a child, but for some reason like to pretend as if their work schedules and personal lives take precedence over their children’s well-being.

Why is it that men feel that because they pay child support (and my ex doesn’t even pay $200/month), and they get the kids on their “assigned weekend,” that they are parenting their children? What about teaching them life-long lessons? What about providing our daughters with a standard for the type of men they’ll date? What about providing our sons with a role models? My ex has the freedom to move as he pleases. He can go to the gym after work. Go on dates when he wants. Rest whenever he’d like to.

Raising my children brings me new joys each day. They are growing into some of the most humorous, creative, compassionate, opinionated children I ever did love. It hurts to realize that the one I chose to procreate with will never provide my children with what I experienced with my own father, A father’s love. I wonder if they’ll ever have real stories to share like I do, memories that bring a smile across their lips, lessons to pass down to their own children? My children deserve more. I wish I knew better then in order to provide them with it.

Brown Sugar & Babies

One major conversational piece in our society is child support. Some men complain about the amount of money they are ordered to pay and how little time they are granted to spend with their child. Some women admit that hitting a man in the pockets is equivalent to a man raising a child. How did society reach such a screwed up mentality?

In my opinion, if a woman makes due to raise a child on her own, no matter the struggle, then raise your child. I know how hard it is to raise a child alone. Don’t become a statistic by being vindictive. Being a single parent can be expensive, exhausting, overwhelming, & at times draining. What many mothers are able to do is look in her child’s face and appreciate the genuine love she feels. Side note: by no means am I belittling the fathers who do it alone. I applaud you as well! I wish that parents could realize how important it is for children to see a family unit within the household. Children learn how to love and the roles of each person.

This is a topic that concerns me very deeply. I hate to see parents “trash talk” the other parent in front of the child. I hate to see women attempt to force herself back into the life of the father by way of the child. I hate to see a father go on with his life with little to no regard about the life he helped create. The only person who suffers, is the child…

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Brown Sugar’s Verbal Clarity

James 1:23-25 (New International Version)

23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

We all know a person who talks a good game, but doesn’t carry the weight of the actions along with it. I have a close friend, we’ll call him Braxton, who is insulted by a comment his mother made. She actually told him that his twin sons would amount to nothing because of the lack of parental involvement both he and his children’s mother play in the kids lives. Ouch!
We all know oh too well how opinionated our parents can be… Especially when no one wants their opinions in the first place. Now I’m the type of person that jumps to react when someone says I “can’t” do something. I do not understand how he could hear his mother say something so demeaning, yet do nothing to improve his interactions with his twin boys. The interactions are distant, vacant, and pretty much none existent. His paternal extinct tells him that being in the same room with the boys is fathering. How/when does a man, not only become a man, but also learn how to father his children???

Brown Sugar’s Sorors

This weekend my illustrious chapter of Delta Sigma Theta Inc. Crossed an amazing group of young ladies. Words cannot explain the pride and joy in my heart knowing that no matter the obstacles, Eta Xi will remain tight & on point! This post is strictly for all the Sorors, past and present that showed love. It’s because of you that Eta Xi grows and progresses by leaps & bounds!
OOOOOOOOO~OOOOOOOOP!!!!

Astrology Business

I was reading through Paula Soul’s blog and she had the cutest post about her dog’s astrology! So I decided to look up my kids! It’s scary close to their personalities too!

I visited this website!

My oldest, Kelcie, just turned four and is a scorpio:

The Scorpio child is penetrating and intense, something which might lead other kids to misunderstand them. These youngsters aren’t necessarily trying to be nosy, they just have an intense desire to know what’s what. They might be a little less than subtle in their approach with their schoolmates, but at least they’re candid! Motivated as they are to get to the bottom of things, once the Scorpio child gets something in their mind, well, that’s it. Trying to sway these pups is like moving the rock of Gibraltar! Resourceful as well, the Scorpio child will do well on a fact-finding mission, whether it’s looking for a good matinee or seizing the best deal on a new bike. This child’s mind is also geared toward scientific and investigative pursuits, so encourage their love affair with their chemistry set. That said, be sure this combustible tyke is experimenting out of doors! As they can be quite mysterious as well, it will be hard to tell exactly what the Scorpio child is feeling, something which may make it hard for this sprite to attract friends. This child can also be a bit jealous of others, making for some ruffled feathers at the playground. Even so, those kids who do bring the Scorpio child into their circle will grow to appreciate their passionate and all-knowing friend.

My youngest, Rowan, is only five months and is a virgo:

For better or for worse, the Virgo baby is plenty fussy! How else do you expect these kids to grow up to be perfectionists? Get used to it: The Virgo baby can be quite particular and needs to have a routine. At least having a routine isn’t all bad, but don’t even think of changing it! This baby will not respond well to lots of change. The Virgo baby can also be picky about food, so keep it simple at mealtimes. Aside from these peculiarities, this tot doesn’t require a lot. A clean bedroom and simple clothing are sure to keep this baby dry-eyed. The Virgo baby is quite good at amusing itself for hours with the most basic of games, feeling very little need for the attention of others. The Virgo child also wants to talk early on, probably earlier than most of the other babies around. There’s a lot going on in that mind wanting to come out! From an early age, this baby can also be seen as mother’s little helper, as the need to serve others is a strong Virgo trait. They also won’t make a fuss over their accomplishments, since by nature these kids are a bit shy. To sum up, the Virgo baby is fine on their own but also happy to help others, loves cleanliness, and can easily keep themselves amused. All this adds up to a pretty good (albeit picky!) kid.

I’m a LEO, here’s what the stars say about Kelcie and me:

When a Scorpio child is born to a Leo parent, they often create a vigorous and powerful team. Parent and child understand each other’s needs well; Scorpio needs to be respected and desired while Leo wants to be adored and complimented. This family team is strongly loyal, often possessive of each other’s time. Both relatives are pillars of strength for the other, and both are able to provide what the other needs. They enjoy each other’s strong suits. Laughing together and enjoying time spent with the family, they will have few disagreements. However, sometimes Leo’s acerbic personality can bruise Scorpio’s sensitive feelings. Most often, occasions like these stem from a misunderstanding rather than malice. Both Signs respond favorably to one another’s strengths. Scorpio wants to feel cherished and supported by their parent. Leo wants to be adored and admired by their child. The best aspect of the Leo-Scorpio family relationship is their mutual dedication to each other and the projects they partake in. Both Signs have very powerful, yet strategically different, personalities. They are seen as a strong family by others, and their mutual commitment to fulfilling their goals makes theirs a powerful relationship.

What the stars say about Rowan and me:

When a Virgo child is born to a Leo parent, a surface glance would make one think that they have no common interests and nothing to learn from each other. Leo is outgoing, dominant, charismatic, and often a little short-tempered. Virgo is studious and quiet, possessed of a more reserved nature than Leo. Although these two family members seem completely different, they form a wonderful bond once each person learns to accept the other’s unfamiliar style. Virgo appreciates their parent’s creative flair, and Leo is amazed at how much their child can accomplish in a day. Planning events comes easily to this family team. The Leo parent whisks their child off into many new experiences, and Virgo’s world opens up under their influence. Leo may feel at their child takes things a little too seriously. On the other hand, Virgo may accuse their parent of being egocentric and overbearing. Once they get beyond their differences, they can learn from one another. Leo teaches Virgo about fun and excitement, about the spontaneity that is often missing in Virgo’s life. Virgo teaches Leo to have patience. The best aspect of the Leo-Virgo family relationship is their effectiveness as a family unit. Virgo child provides the support beam that the family relies on, and Leo sees to the fun. Virgo works hard behind the scenes and follows up on details that Leo has lost interest in. Their personalities, opposite in so many ways, make them a highly complementary family.

Life Business

First let me start by wishing my little rolly-polly a happy five months old today!!!

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Now to the issue at hand…Webster (okay, it’s not webster, it’s whatever dictionary program I have on my laptop, the mac dictionary person) defines insecure as not confident or assured; uncertain and anxious.

This one word is the sole purpose of this post. As a child, my mom called me a pack-rat. I never knew why she would say that until I got to college. I keep so many things for the memories. I realized that this trait developed shortly after my father died; I had problems letting go of “things.” I was afraid that if I lost that item, I would lose that memory. Around the time I lost my father, I also lost several family members. I felt that people were too fickle, so I kept “things” in shoe boxes and drawers. I can define things as letters, cards, emails, I have a ton (literally) of photos from high school, college, and it looks like I took a photo EVERYDAY of my first daughter. I truly enjoy sitting down and going through these things reading, laughing, and remembering where I was at that part of my life! I am very aware that I am no longer the person I once was, but I am still that person. I’m speaking figuratively, someone reading knows what I mean.

Now at my young tender age 🙂 I am a mother and wife. I live a different lifestyle now than those high school and college photos. Is it wrong of me to still keep those photos although I am married? Did I mention that in high school I dated my husband? Yep, he’s been around quite sometime. Now many of us are blessed with the ability to recollect our pasts, and although we are able, we don’t remember everything.

Being married requires so much transitioning and learning. Sometimes you even give up parts of who you are to make things work. It may be selfish, but there are some things I feel I shouldn’t give up. If they are memories, then let them be, right? I love devoting myself to my 107+ (educators know that even some that you don’t teach somehow become yours) children at work, my two beautiful children at home, and my husband. It gets a little demanding at times, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. All I ask is that I have something to myself, and having something to myself does not necessitate insecurities in my household.

I was told that when you get married, you give up the I’s for we. Does that mean that I give up all of who I am?

I was told to wait until I was 30 to get married. My coach told me that once, now my cousin, who is almost 30, has jumped onto the bandwagon head first! She believes wholeheartedly that she should have listened to our coach and waited until she was 30.

I am aware that I was very vague explaining this situation, but I hope that I have written enough to get some feedback from my fellow bloggers! Nice or harsh, I’d love to hear it!

Mother & Daughter Business

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We did it! Through all the hardships, blood, sweat, and tears, we have achieved excellence!!!! My daughter was accepted into an optional preschool!

I have to admit that I am indeed proud! I was so nervous about how she would perform. Those of you with children know how they will make a lie out of momma/daddy in a hot second. She passed her entrance exam with a score of 98%! The only thing she missed was not being able to recognize her last name. Just Lisa suggested an independent school here that offers full scholarships for minorities! I’m waiting on them to send us information about their program. Once Kelcie finishes this program, then we will definitely look into the latter.

My main concern, at this time, is to be sure that she’s learning on a level that’s meeting her needs as well as challenging her. I also want her to be in a structured environment that a daycare may not be able to provide for her. When I say structured what all does that include? At this school, she will begin a spelling series, science, addition, subtraction, and some multiplication to name a few.

Now what does this mean for mom you ask? I have to wake up earlier. Don’t really care about helping her with work and such, just the fact that my rest will be cut shorter than it already is! Ever heard that Johnson & Johnson commercial that says: “Having a baby changes everything.” That’s putting it lightly!

Well, little old Kelcie is very outspoken-gets it honest- and embarrassed me some kind of good during her interview. So the lady is asking questions that were on the entrance exam and Kelcie is answering them with ease! My chest was all puffed out! Then all of a sudden Kelcie gets really close to the lady and says, “Hey, your teeth is missing!” I was HORRIFIED!

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